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Science
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Written by Pete G
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 The well respected Ordanance Survey Group (OSG) has today delivered a shock announcement. Whilst conducting it's latest geographical study of Western Europe they encountered something that hasn't been seen in millennia. A country had totally disappeared.
OSG officials reached the northern edge of France, expecting to take a short break - possibly taking in a strong coffee and a syrup waffle - but were greeted with something they could never have predicted.
A great sea lay before them, an uncharted water never seen before, reaching as far as the Netherlands in the North and Germany and Luxembourg in the East. The OSG immediately alerted the US President who, without hesitation, made a television appeal.
'The Belgians were our friends', said the President, 'we stick by our friends and we stick it 'in' our enemies....this great country will not sleep until the people responsible for this are brought to brutal justice. As a precautionary measure we're actively monitoring all State Boundaries, just in case there's any more to go'
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Sport
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Written by Pete G
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 Arsenal vol-au-vent Arsen Wenger has sent shivers through the stock exchange by launching a bid to buy Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich.
'I am simply not for sale', pleaded Abramovich, 'I don't know who he thinks he is the French weirdo.'
'Technically there's nothing stopping Wenger putting a successful offer in to own Abramovich. He protected his assets with contracts, price tags and legal things. But neglected to protect himself against this kind of malicious purchase', said Wengers legal team, 'we just valued his bones, skin and brain and popped the offer in the post. £17.85 is what he'll get if we're successful.'
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Politics
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Written by Nick C
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 By the year 2012 we will be waving goodbye to our lovely currency, the Pound. But it won’t be replaced with the much-discussed Euro. Oh no.
Instead, the new currency will simply be stones or pebbles.
Why? Because currency as we now know it is too easy to forge. Counterfeit money is popping up all over the place these days, not just in deprived council areas or other places where undesirable people live or frequent.
The Common stone, the type that can be found on the floor is to be promoted from hard, small useless rocks to the premier currency in Europe, and will be known quite simply as ‘the British Stone’.
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Science
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Written by Pete G
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 Solar system outsider Mercury is next on NASA's hit-list for early colonization it has been announced today.
'It's a wonderful planet, a pretty place with seas, mountains and coloured gases', said a NASA spokesperson Frank Tenderville, 'it will take a while to get there but I reckon it'll be a great place to live.'
Preparations are well underway with NASA setting up a test habitat in Edinburgh. 'Edinburgh has the closest conditions on Earth to Mercury', explained Tenderville, 'without that kind of test environment we'd have to build something under the sea to create the exact same conditions.'
Earmarked for the initial mission are three NASA Astronauts, two Russian Cosmonauts, one Chinese Spacenaut and a few minor celebrities.
The identity of the final three celebrities will be decided by the general public in a three year epic televised 'I'm a celebrity get me to Mercury' which will start filming at the Edinburgh facility early next month.
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Science
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Written by Pete G
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 Sony have unveiled this years product line up at the Taipan Electro-U-Show which includes the intriguing sounding, range of 'Sony Micro-Monkeys(TM)'.
The translation of the Japanese press release revealed the product was billed as 'The world's answer to micro-monkeying, these monkeys are simply monkeys with micros, singing sheet steel rain chemicals!' (The Maximumlies Japanese-Anglo translator has done it's best with this description)
An insider at the show revealed 'the Sony demonstration of the Micro-Monkey was incredible. Little electronic monkeys of all shapes and sizes, singing, dancing and evolving all other the stage. The models on show were all proto-types, but they still acted very much like wild micro-monkeys'
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