www.maximumlies.co.uk en-us Spoof news, parody and lies! CuteNews http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1201962575&archive=
If you don't like the changes, just keep it to yourself and move along.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1182448663&archive= After much analysis of the content of BBC programming and deliberation of license fee value, the BBC has announced that from August 1st the legendary entertainer Basil Brush will anchor the prestigious 6 o'clock news bulletin.

'We've tried to pin down what the British Public want', BBC News Editor John Tealady-face has told Maximumlies, 'and we've found they want Basil Brush.'

Basil Brush begin a successful television career in the 1960's, appearing on the hugely popular 'Give a nobody a chance show' as a witty magician with a novelty side-kick 'Mr Derek' dressed as Jesus...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1180984965&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1177357299&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1177356507&archive= It seems that in order to really monopolise on her recent chart success Amy Winehouse has launched her very own chain of off-licences.

'They wanted me to go to rehab, but I said no I'd open a chain of off-licence premises to help me keep my head together', Winehouse has told Maximumlies.

Her first shop opens next week and is based in her home town of Ekup, North London. 'Winehouse Warehouse (wines, beers and strong spirits) Ltd' as the chain will be known will open with the usual Winehouse show-time flair.

She is expected to play a short live set at the shop then join the locals for what's billed as a 'good ole knees up' drinking specially designed vodka from her family's drinks cabinet....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1175799894&archive= Today Church leaders have announced an 'historic change to the Christian Festival Easter', which it is alleged, 'will align the festival with the season’s modern view'

The church sees the changes as 'crucial to the future success of our religion, aiming to continue the huge market share we've had over the centuries well into this millennium'

The full details of the changes to the well known festival have yet to be formally documented but Maximumlies sources have obtained the details from a reliable religious bloke within the Church....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1173525065&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1173524235&archive=
Amazing eh?

Well if you want updates from the Maximumlies Team pop your email address in there and if we can ever be bothered, we might even send a few Newsletters out.

The possibilities are endless.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1173524001&archive=
A few tweaks here and there, a bit of tinkering under the bonnet have lead to what we like to think is a slightly underwhelming change.

Anyway, as ever, if you have any comments or suggestions leave a comment or use the contact form above.

Thanks.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1173478152&archive= In a bid to outdo Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe's recent revealing stage appearances, JK Rowling (Potters writer and creator) has announced that the next Potter film will run its entire length 'without any actor wearing any clothes, ever.'

'The lack of clothes fits perfectly into my plot, for what is the final episode in the series. I've also dropped the long winded title of the book and called the film simply 'Naked Harry Potter''

'As you may have heard, in this final instalment one of the main characters dies....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1172700271&archive= Music TV boundaries will be firmly pushed next month when music channel MTV launches a potentially controversial new series 'Pimp My Wife'.

The series is the brainchild of nightclub entrepreneur Peter Stringfellow who has part-bankrolled and presented the show.

'Essentially the series will follow a selection of lucky individuals who have been selected by their husbands to have the show's 'Pimp Magic' applied to them', Stringfellow has told Maximumlies....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1160212745&archive=
A CAPTCHA (an acronym for "Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart", trademarked by Carnegie Mellon University) is a type of challenge-response test used in computing to determine whether or not the user is human.

The CAPTCHA here on Maximumlies is a simple 'enter the following set of letters' type. Some randomly generated letters are displayed and the user must enter them to confirm they are human. The letters should prove difficult for the average spam-bot to determine.

We hope.

Anyway, if you have any problem with the new system let us know!]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1159621366&archive= The ongoing Saddam Hussein trial in a highly secure compound in Iraq has continued to reveal startling facts about the once untouchable Iraqi dictator and reached an unexpected dramatic climax today.

The trial lapsed almost immediately into chaos as Saddam began the day’s proceedings by shouting, 'War crimes? Are you all crazy pigs? If anything this trial should be about SPACE crimes! Don't you know who I am?'

The judge politely asked Hussein to take his seat and wait for his opportunity to defend himself after the prosecution had completed it's initial days content.

Saddam, back in his seat, smiled widely as the prosecution took the floor;

'Saddam, you stand here today accused of some of the most terrible crimes the world has ever seen. Over the course of the last year you have repeatedly called for what, on the surface, can only be described as a bizarre set of witnesses, for example;

'You cited, your brother, Grand Mof Tarkin-Hussein as a character witness...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1158348688&archive= Columbo-Based-Toys(tm) have declined to comment today after news broke of one of its products causing the death of a middle aged man in London, England.

The Columbo Dance Mat(tm) famous for sending fans into a dance frenzy while repeatedly repeating phrases such as 'Just one more thing', 'I got to thinkin' and 'Give me the chilli' has had a trouble free life so far, selling millions of products around the globe.

But yesterday, it was announced 'A 43 year old man has slipped in his own urine and fallen heavily, breaking his neck, whilst using a Columbo Dance Mat(tm). Enquiries are under way but no-one else, apart from Columbo-Based-Toys(tm) are suspected to have involvement in this tragedy....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1157542809&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1157492257&archive= When the BBC announced that after 140 years of broadcasting it was bringing to an end the show 'Grandstand', little thought was initially given to what would replace its flagging lead sports programme.

However, in a move that has stunned Brazil, the BBC has signed both Ronaldinho and Ronaldo to present a 'new comedy sports show, based entirely in Portuguese.'

'The Two Rons Talk Sport' will appear on our screens in November, ready for the start of the new Premiership season and covering all aspects of Sport including underwhelming past times such as Bicycle Racing and Cricket.

The Two Rons are reported to be excited by the prospect of their first full time job in broadcasting and satisfied that the language barrier will not be a problem to the British viewing public....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1155032588&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1150061735&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1145915655&archive= Like a breath of fresh air, revisions to the Spring BBC TV listings have unearthed some true gems of televisual entertainment.

Heading the list of must see programming is the intriguing sounding 'Just who is the Best Saviour - reality face off!' (No preview tape was made available)

It appears that when 1980's 'hit-master' Jesus Jones proclaimed last year he was 'the saviour' he stirred up a hotbed of saviour activity amongst competing claimants and the BBC intends to bring the raging debate to a televised crescendo.

The show, it appears, will follow Mr Jones on a mythical journey, joining fellow saviour-chaser David Icke in Mexico. The format is a simple two-day face off in the snappily titled 'Best new saviour wins everything, including 'Saviour Title' Competition'.

But Jones and Icke won't be alone in Mexico. Other challengers for the illustrious title include Brian Blessed, Valerie Singleton and Prince Andrew, who will all be in attendance and eagerly competing.

'We've been in Saviour training camp now for 3 weeks....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1145620016&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1144012849&archive= Today, in an apparent complete u-turn, the UK Government has announced that 'The new Wembley Stadium will be finished by 2012 and will be open for business as expected as an oval park, where people can walk and fish under the beautiful arch of protection.'

Sports minister Diane Oxenbridge has denied reports that the Government has changed its intentions over the project, stating 'The Wembley Project was always intended to be a large park, with superb fishing lake in the centre.'

When one inquisitive journalist asked, 'The need to have 80,000 seats in a park that has a primary purpose of walking and fishing seems absurd', the minister replied, 'walking and fishing are popular, we have provided a means to watch. That's all......]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1142978134&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1142976687&archive= Tennis star Jimmy Connors has come a long way since concluding his successful on-court career. The vast amount of tournament winnings Connors secured during his successful years enabled him to pump finance into his innovative 'Connor Creations' business.

With last years product failure firmly tucked away, Connors has said 'the tennis based teeth whitener product may not have captured the imagination of the public, but my new invention certainly will.'

Connors has taken the concept of the simple glove and injected his typical 'tennis flare' into it. He has created what he calls, 'a tennis based glove that you DON'T need to change when it's time to hit the court exit....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1141221351&archive= Legendary actor George Formby has apparently accepted the lead role in an exciting new James Bond Movie. The film 'When I'm shooting Criminals, twice' is not due in Cinema's until at least 2012.

'George is everything we could have hoped for within the James Bond character profile. He has stunning good looks, speaks 'the Queens English' and is from Wigan just like Ian Flemings original character in the books', director Jim Davidson told the press last week.

Amazingly it appears George has landed this key role 44 years after his alleged death, and understandably this has got Bond fans worried about the direction of the franchise....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1141202481&archive= award over at the Satire Awards.

The category was 'Best Overall' and the winners were decided by users of the site.

So, thanks to everyone that voted!

The cheques are in the post.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1140087305&archive= Kofi Anan, UN Secretary General, has finally fulfilled a long-standing childhood ambition this week. He has re-recorded and released George Clinton's seminal 'One Nation Under a Groove' cleverly changing the words to 'One UN with Something to Prove'.

Produced and funded by music industry 'bad boy' Simon Cowell, the single is 'Kofi's own take on what the UN is all about', said Cowell, 'and will hopefully help me in my bid for a political career, whilst proving Kofi is more than just a straight bloke.'

Cowell and Anan, it appears, are joining forces to bring the world of Government and Entertainment together. A joint venture which may just have the ingredients to make sweet music across the world political landscape.

The single which will have it's debut in the UN headquarters in Brussels next week has made Anan a little anxious about the change of style for the UN, 'I think it's good for the future on the UN. But I am a little worried about singing live, if I can talk Simon into letting me lip-sync my first show I'll feel a little better....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1139994806&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1139254878&archive= In a new study published today, leading academics at Cambridge University England have firmly pointed the finger of blame for recent world troubles and general world unrest at 'people'.

"During our in-depth analysis of world events we found one major commonality over and over again - People", said the reports author Dr. Brian DePalma-Tompkinson.

"The prominence of People in all these scenarios became just too much to ignore by the end of the fact gathering stage of our investigation."

The report has dared to asked the question 'In a world going wrong, who is to blame?' and it's conclusions have sent shock waves through political landscapes across the globe...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1138616311&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1138123552&archive= Horatio Starr, celebrity deer stalker and part time drummer in Brian McCartney and Frank Lennon's music ensemble, is to sensationally quit stalking in an attempt to outdo his three part-time band mates for control of the charts this year.

'It's bloomin' brilliant deer stalking as we all know. But, I've got a score to settle with them quibbling monkeys I've been happily drumming with for the last, god knows how many years.'

'I'm paid piece meal like me old mucker McCauley Harrison, so if they're arguing and falling out, the house business suffers. People are crying out for deer stalking in the gardens of their luxury homes and the work is going elsewhere.'

Starr has written and recorded a 'triple album' of 'traditional stalking numbers with a wonderful Christian twist'.

'I thought triple sounded better than double,' explained Starr recently to Maximumlies, 'and the public won't mind my repetition of a few numbers within the play list. It's a small price for such a wonderful piece of work....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1137070024&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1136571057&archive= In scenes not witnessed since the last Great War, bodies litter the high streets across the UK and a beleaguered Primeminister has made an emotional attempt to resolve a desperate situation by announcing 'curfew measures and makeshift morgues.'

Trouble began when the mothership of all corporations, Microsoft, 'promised' to deliver its new games console to the desperate public of the world 'at the start of December sometime'

'We had four 360's and a queue of about 3000 people', a spokesman for HMV stores told us, 'We gave one of the four we had to the manager of the shop and the other three to any staff who wanted them and hoped the people waiting outside would simply go away.'

The people stayed and some paid the ultimate price....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1135004412&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1134665866&archive= The music industry was rocked this week by a story about squeaky clean boy band 'Take That', when they were reported by the popular press, as ready to reform and tour throughout next year.

Anyone reading the news reports, with a lack of absolute concentration, would have believed they were seeing the 'old favourites' rejoined and about to set off on another magical and successful career.

But, Maximumlies 'concentrates' when it reads news stories. We find the real truth in things other people and news organisations miss and we promise to reveal all here...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1133276990&archive= Wide eyed snooker genius Dennis Taylor has put popular eye deficiency promoters 'Specsavers' out of business this week with a string of unprovoked 'two-for-one deal' usage's and abuses.

It is well known that, over the years, Dennis has worn some of most outrageous and technically advanced glasses the world has ever produced. Resulting in the award winning 'molecular view' pair that won him the 1986 world snooker crown.

'Using molecules Dennis manipulated time and space...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1133169682&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1132007618&archive= Russian billionaire James Karenovic has made an uneasy start to his foray into English football.

Smitten as a child by the 'beautiful game' Karenovic recently made a knee jerk compulsory purchase of Horwich United Football Club thinking, with his financial might, he could turn it into a dominant force in the Premiership League.

Karenovic installed new lighting at Horwich FC's 140 seater 'all weather' playing field and revamped a previously underused catering van. He commissioned a kit re-design, in yellow and mauve, and bought legendary striker Ronaldo from Real Madrid to 'help Horwich beat Blackrod Academical in next weeks Crown Paints League derby thriller'..]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1131548302&archive=
We might even start writing some regular articles again. You just never know.

Out of interest we're now regular contributors to humorfeed so pop on over for a daily intake of award winning fun!]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1131478459&archive= There has been growing concern today as popular charity LEGLOCATE announced 'in order for our members to continue their current standards of living, they are starting to release ownership of their good limbs. Clearly this situation is difficult for our members and for us.'

In a desperate attempt to prise more financial support from certain UK Government underwritten disability schemes the 'light limbed collective' have started to donate their good appendages to anyone who might be interested in owning one....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1131450677&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1131450647&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1129569604&archive=
Here's a little insight...

(1) Moved house - no broadband, no web, no life
(2) Get access through sloooooooow dial up to find web site 'missing'
(3) contact host who inform me - 'webiste hacked and therefore deleted'
(4) !

Anyway we seem to have some access back - so lets keep our fingers crossed eh!

Hopefully things will get back to normal soon.....

....not that they were ever normal anyway.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1128283653&archive= What would you associate more with our Antipodean friends, the word 'Australia' or the word 'Lassiters' or even 'Udigowa 2'?

I'm sure the result of any referendum asking that question would be a closely matched affair with any winner holding an unstable and small majority. But this raging debate may now have reached a climax with Australia looming tantilisingly close to its infamous 'end of name lease' clause. A clause built into the very founding contract that formed Australia all them decades ago.

There have been renewed calls this week, mostly from the exreme right, for the contract to be renewed automatically giving the country its 'Australia' title for a further 100 years....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1127072105&archive=
I can confirm that the US Army Intelligence's Major General Stubblejock III has pioneered 'goat psychic powers....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1126868086&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1126866843&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1126285027&archive= Brad Pitt's management company has recently let slip the Hollywood A listers future acting plans. He is going to join the cast of British soap opera 'Eastenders' as 'an initially small part-based cockney barrow boy, selling apples and jeans.'

He will be heavily disguised in his new role, possibly wearing a large Stetson hat, bright arm bands and sporting a moustache. His cut glass British accent, used in such great films as 'Troy', will make an appearance again, slightly modified with his own brand of 'Walford Twang.'

'I consider it an honour.....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1126004210&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1125866249&archive= In an attempt to throw off his 'not quite as hard as my brother' image, Prince William has set up an exciting new death metal band named 'Throne Death'.

'It's always been my dream really', William has told Maximumlies, 'a metal band in the style of death music. With really jolly hard sounding harps and mandolins.'

William's 'People' have arranged a number of exclusive gigs in and around Windsor Castle. He'll play the conservatory, the drawing room and as a tour finale the 'Winter rose garden....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1125431717&archive= 'An Englishman's home is his castle' - A phrase often vaunted around house buying magazines the world over. A phrase that until now was nothing more than a passing metaphor for home comfort.

Maximumlies however can now reveal the dark truth behind the phrase.

Until only fifty years ago the whole of England was completely covered in castles. Big detatched castles, semi-detatched castles and poorer rows of 'joined up' castles.

Inside the stony interiors lay dark tradition and crazy folklore. A place where slaves from Belgium and France cleaned the shoes of British Lords...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1124638168&archive= McCauley Harrison, pipe welder and pot pouri fanatic has fallen foul of the recent disagreements between Frank Lennon and Brian McCartney .

'My livelihood is down the river without an outboard motor my darling,' Harrison told local paper The Livertiser, 'work has dried up and with then two morons arguing all the time and my music is suffering as well. Nightmare scenario numero uno....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1124354874&archive= ]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1124136326&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1124135299&archive= Warren Pritchard, senior Doctor at Astley Health Centre, has made medical history recently, by completely curing every single patient that has passed through his small surgery without the need for prescriptions or traditional surgery. The story about Pritchard's work was leaked in Heat magazine a week ago and since then Pritchard has been overwhelmed by requests for his services.

Maximumlies has been keen to unravel the mystery behind Pritchards success. To that end we have secured an exlusive interview...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1123877733&archive= Holiday Nightmares - Are you thinking of going on your hol’s soon? Well don’t bother. Most people have a terrible time in the relaxing atmosphere of a sunny holiday resort.

The first account is from a man who became so traumatised through his ordeal, he wished to remain nameless. The top and bottom of it is, whilst walking along the beach in the resort of Cancun, Mexico, a sudden breeze blew the mans hat off and into the tranquil, blue sea.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1123488382&archive=
Maximumlies has won the 'Best New Site' award over at the Satire Awards

A big thankyou for all your votes!

We've also been nominated for 'Best Overall' article - so if you wanna go and vote please feel free! ]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1123452411&archive=
Job Title - Lava Tamer

Salary/Benefits/Location: £2.74 per hour / whip / Mount Doom

Job Description;

A wonderful position has arrived on our books for a fully qualified 'Lava Trainer'. Set in the beautiful valley of Mordor at the foot of the idyllic....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1122809288&archive= French Ski Jumper Jon-Paul Guiltyhomme has re-written the record books by jumping the length of his native France whilst preparing for the forthcoming Winter Olympics in Hawaii.

His home made slide built into the Pyrenees Mountain range that borders France and Spain measures 10 miles in length and boasts an alleged gradient of 1:1.

His ski's were jointly developed and financed by Airbus Industries and Chelsea Football Club PLC...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1122641702&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1121958532&archive= Rome, the seat of Catholicism, the power base for priests, popes and cardinals for millennia, is about to change forever.

With the arrival of a new pope, a new era has ascended upon the church. A new outlook, some traditionalists may find unnerving, some forward thinkers may find refreshing.

"It appears that support for our cause is at an all time low. So, in this respect, I'm shutting up shop....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1121803236&archive= After London’s successful Olympic bid for 2012, Sebastian Coe and Co. have now implemented measures aiming to ensure those Olympics will be the most successful ever, in terms of medals for Britain.

Sebastian, also a dab hand with electronic devices, has developed an android capable of competing in various Olympic events such as synchronised swimming . . . ]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1121785190&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1121671002&archive=
You're then faced with a difficult decision, do you have the barbecue anyway? Cooking all the food inside knowing full well that grandma and grandad are going to spill barbecue sauce on the newly laid cream carpet. Or do you cancel the event and end up with a freezer full of meat that you know for a fact that will never get eaten. The good point about the second scenario is that you also end up with a fridge full of beer that you know you’ll drink over the coming few days.

So how do we get round this dilemma?

Well in the next couple of weeks I will be launching a new website to allow budding barbecuers to order the weather online. With a simple click of the mouse you will be able to select a number of weather types from hot and sunny to mild and pleasant. The new site which is designed to be user friendly will be operated by postcode, simply fill in the box and select weather type for your area, date and time. On the downside the initial cost will be quite high but you will be offered discounts if more than one person from your postcode selects the same weather on the same day.

The site will accept all major credit cards and PAYPAL for convenience.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1121345166&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1121337906&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1121179925&archive= The UK Government has finally launched, Home Secretary Frank Clark's much maligned, 'Cheekiness - the route of all crime' campaigns.

'Don't be too cheeky' kicks off next week with a direct televised request by the Prime Minister for 'the criminal fraternity to lower their cheek levels and higher their non-cheeky tendencies'.

'If you're still being cheeky after we've asked you specifically not to be there...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1120577669&archive= British Politics Show – British politics at its best/worst. See the age-old system in action. Watch in disgust as the political parties heckle each other with childish moaning and jeering. This show contains some of the best standing ovations ever captured on film.

The Imagination Awards – We pit one mans imagination against another. Who’s the winner? You decide!]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1120569019&archive=
I was reading your excellent on-line publication when I my eye fell out.

Although I've recovered since, I can't help but wonder if the Kenneth Brannagh incident you reported on had had some kind of effect on me.

Yours perplexed,

John Barnes - Wakefield]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1120566719&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1120515862&archive= Burger giants McDonalds launch their 'feel and see the difference' product range today.

'Normally when you have one of our burgers, you don't necessarily feel and see the difference in yourself straight away. With our new product line up you most certainly will...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1120219411&archive=
So, to that end, hop on over to The Satire Awards and vote for Maximumlies in the best new site category.

You know we're worth it.

Thanks.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1120211180&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1120138166&archive= Just imagine this; you wake each morning to the fruity smell of countryside flowers or the fresh aroma of a summer meadow as you sup your morning cup of coffee. To most of us this is just a fantasy only available to fictional characters in space films, but not anymore thanks to some clever giggery pokery by the boffins at Nescafe.

Genetic coffee scientists at Nescafe have developed a new innovation in coffee aroma technology. GM foods have become all the rage recently and everyone is looking to genetically modify everything from farm crops to...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1120059512&archive= I can't believe we've not sorted that out yet - a documentary/chat show looking into just why we, as a nation, have not sorted some things out: This week, the show investigates pollution, crime and being Welsh.

The second best thing that happened this week - following on from the staggering success of 'the best thing that happened this week' this new show hopes to set new standard for 'best things happening in weekly timeframes'.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1119970697&archive= Mistakes have plagued the under paid, overworked, undervalued, over arm, spin bowlers within the NHS. Government boneheads have been looking into this situation for decades, trying in vain to achieve an error free, perfectly functioning health service.

As a last resort, embarrassed Health chiefs have had no alternative but to call in specialist help, from the renowned new romantic sensation and super International business administrators ‘Spandau Ballet’.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1119943791&archive=
We know you missed us, so for a real treat site access will be completely free of charge for the next week!

Oh it already is.

Well in that case then, seeing it is already free, I'll have to give you something else.

Ok, if you live in any regime where freedom of choice and access to information may be a little 'restricted' I hereby authorise you to view Maximumlies COMPLETELY freely!

Right that's that sorted then.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1119521228&archive= The Government has announced plans to replace all existing forms of mass transit, such as trains, buses and cars, with a novel and exciting alternative developed jointly by Whiteside Farms and Industries and the Church of England.

'Donkey Travel will be the future success story we've all been waiting for', entrepreneur and travel guru Terry Whiteside revealed yesterday, 'It is something that we should have done years ago, but we simply didn't have the donkey availability we have now...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1119450806&archive= ]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1119450161&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118946460&archive=
What's so great about America?

Discuss.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118926873&archive= Michael Jackson's pigmentation disorder has recently been reversed after a holiday and had profound effects on the appearance of the singer. A spokesman to the star said, ‘The world didn’t believe it when Michael claimed he has never had any surgery on his face. When he returns from his break, you’ll see for yourself, the extraordinary effects the sun has on him’.

Full Story here . . .]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118840870&archive= Farnworth is to host the next World Cup in 2006, so footballs governing body FIFA revealed today.

Farnworth has had a long tradition with football and with it's new shopping centre, town hall refurbishment and proximity to some local bus routes it's perfect fit for FIFA's stringent criteria.

'Farnworth is a forward looking town with a rich and varied history...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118664679&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118663653&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118663432&archive= ]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118662778&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118662352&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118659465&archive=
Is it only me or has anyone else noticed that:-

A. Grass boxes don’t work and you still end up raking the grass up afterwards
B. Grass boxes are just too small and it needs emptying every two strokes
C. Strimmers cable is designed to break as soon as it touches a blade of grass

Anyway I digress, wouldn’t it be great if grass could be generically modified to grow to different lengths. You could have short Grass for lawns, long grass for wild areas and everything in between all being available over the counter of all good garden centres.

The downside to this argument would be that the whole of the lawnmower industry would be wiped out from day one but I consider it a small price to pay for that extra hour in bed on a Sunday morning.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118332388&archive=
I've heard that Scotland has banned sneezing in restaurants and public places after two complaints....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118247348&archive= Scandinavian pranksters 'Norway' have really gone and done it this time, with a move that has sent shock waves through Northern Europe.

They've gone one further than closest neighbour 'Sweden' by completely banning the colour green. Sweden started the escalating tit-for-tat game by banning yellow last month (which, the world knows is Norway's most successful export...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118151033&archive=
The pilot scheme of these bins will be running for two weeks to asses the plausibility of mass production. The inventors of the new bin are keen to point out that this is only the first step and emptying on demand will surely follow, optional extras such as fill level warning, excess weight & odour control are in the pipeline for future versions.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1118055125&archive= ‘Blue tooth technology’ is one of the buzz phrases of the moment and its momentum is unstoppable. Currently it is possible to buy mobile phones, computers, headsets and some other electronic devices with blue tooth technology, but in the future it will be hard to find something that isn’t blue tooth compatible. And that includes you!

What is this ‘Blue tooth’ sh*t anyway? Basically it enables various devices to communicate with each other, without the need for wires. This can be useful when local devices need to transfer information between each other quickly and effortlessly.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1117715049&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1117614925&archive=
A spokesman for the company hails this innovation as the most crucial development in road safety for several years and goes on to state this is the first in a long line of new products the company will launch. The spokesman also hinted that they will soon be launching there new ‘Speed limit ™’ tyre which will be able to interpret road side speed signs and reduce the drivers speed accordingly via inbuilt brake rubber.

Top insurers have welcomed the new innovation promising to slash premiums by 20% for anyone using this technology.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1117572855&archive= A new academic paper published today has at last shed some light on the old scientific mystery 'gravity'.

'We are not here to just to append our views to the well respected yet old, universal theory that surrounds 'gravity'. We are here to reveal the truth about it. Simple.', said Alan Jeffs, lead agro-physics researcher at Queens College Blackpool, whilst opening a recent press conference.

'The world is round, that much is clear....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1117145976&archive=
The Moonies, a religious cult invented by the mega rich con artist, Sun Myung Moon, are actively seeking celebrity initiates to boost their media profile. This is being done by tricking the celeb’s into compromising positions and then blackmailing them into joining the mentalist organisation.

First of the unfortunate celeb’s was Wayne Rooney, the super striker for the best soccer team in the world, Manchester United. This was achieved when Michael Glazer, megalomaniac entrepreneur, took control of financial Manchester United last week. . .]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1117115878&archive=
The word SORRY stopped wars, famine, hate and crime. Its so easy to say sorry but some people don't know how to say it. As if years of evolution have eroded the gene responsible for the word sorry. Go on you try it. Say sorry to your self for being a p**k at your last family wedding or funeral - see bloody hard isn't it? Someone is holding the word sorry to ransom and stockpiling them in cardboard boxes......]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116757245&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116757057&archive= Childrens TV show favourite 'Rainbow' will relaunch next month with an exciting new format devised by property tycoon Frank Bovis. Frank bought out childrens TV producion studio 'play-time TV' early last year and has been intent on releasing his own shows ever since.

'In this Rainbow, we'll have a new team.....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116518154&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116494652&archive=
A wodaphone spokesman released a statement stating that although the technology used is not new and has been utilized in most calculators for many years their mobile is the first to enhance this for this particular use.

Just think no more charging up and constant use will never be a problem ever again. However, the phone does have a couple of minor problems; when driving at night you have to have the interior light on and when in a dark room you have to use the supplied torch to power the phone. But we consider these to be minor problems to what will revolutionize the mobile industry.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116338664&archive=
By day Fergal is the quivery voiced, Irish heart throb we all know almost too well, but by night he’s often seen lurking outside youth clubs and shopping centres waiting for his prey. According to a friend of the singer, ‘He despises the teenagers of today, with their easy life of school/college and play. So much so, the only way he can find to vent his anger is to kick them. And hard!’]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116334311&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116333478&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116333232&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116257595&archive=
The Really Mad Show - games galour, with a welcome return for the popular games 'who's in the bucket?' and 'you know who's in there, over there!'

Shouting Numbers - counting up the facts and umpteen other things!]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116253237&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1116090997&archive=
Yeah, can you believe in Maximumlies short life we've been through four iterations of website? No, neither can I.

I'll have to find something else to do with my spare time.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1115912966&archive= John Travolta will appear at Waterstones in Covent Garden London later today, to sign copies of his new book, 'I know my own mind'.

Travolta has been outspoken in recent years claiming, 'to own the skies above our heads', and more recently, 'I am a giant bird with the mind of a circus clown.'

His agent, Terry Wildsmith, has played down claims that Travolta is struggling with reality after Travolta...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1115676111&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1115579273&archive=
Announcements about site changes, developments and re-disigns will all be found in here.

Comments are always welcome!]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1115322350&archive= In a sweeping move today, the UK Government's Health Department has removed all 'chips' (aka french fries) from sale across the nation.

'We are removing this item from food establishments across our country because we have uncovered the truth about it's main ingredients', Jackson Brown Health Minister told the assembled press...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1115219583&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1115219275&archive= An unpublished work from Agatha Christies early career has surfaced and is causing a considerable stir in the literary world. The book, entitled, 'The Butler Did It' is an early insight into Christies imaginative world.

'The butler opened the door and shot Sir John in the head. Twice.', is the explosive start to the early masterpiece. 'He is then caught and hung by the authorities....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1114809379&archive= I’m sure all of you are aware of the increasing popularity of the car. In Britain, you can’t move anywhere outside without nearly being run over and killed by the wonderful machine. We love our cars.

In fact, our passion for cars is overtaking the love we have for the human race, and rightly so. 90% of British adults own at least one car and numbers are increasing all the time.

Despite their popularity, motorists across the country feel their cars are being unfairly discriminated against.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1114459385&archive= After a poor turn out on St George’s day last week, top English men are to look at re-branding the worn out saint. According to a source within the government, ‘the young just can't relate with the tired legend of St George. They would much rather celebrate with the Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. St. Patrick is associated with alcohol and drunken singing.’

Sour grapes on the part of us English has prompted people to try to promote St. George in order to compete with the Irish and Scottish, but without any success. . .]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1114118389&archive= De-sensitisation Night

Murder She Wrote– Lame, family murder programme. This week’s episode is very similar to last weeks.

Mid-Winter Murders– Ex-Bergerac star, Jim Nettles, in another show about crime. This week there’s been another murder and, whatever his name is, is sent to investigate.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1114011552&archive=
I wake up do the same routine; put the kettle on, get the kids ready for school, wave goodbye, have my breakfast, watch TV for 5 or 10 minutes.

That's where it all goes wrong.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1114010454&archive= Since filming last years hollywood blockbuster 'Chocolate Odyssee' Kenneth Brannagh has struggled with a dramatic string of weight problems. He has ballooned to 38 stones in weight which differs significantly from the petite 4 stone he weighed before filming began.

But things have got even worse for Brannagh, when annoyed with a lack of food and his complete inability to move anywhere...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1114010105&archive= Reports have been coming in of a Nevada State individual named Johnson Shawalski 'getting' an unnamed pieced of 'ironic literature'.

Alarms were raised when the local sheriff received a plethora of phone reports that an individual had 'not looked considerably bewildered' in the small 'complicated comedy' section of the local library....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113857876&archive= Dodgy Geezer – Tonight, Dodgy geezer and his lanky, psychic brother get their hands on a shipment of uranium. After failing to offload it down the pub, a trip to Israel comes up trumps and the pair of lucky plonker’s become millionaires again.

3 Pints of Sambuca and a Box of Matches – A bloke and his bird are being rubbish again. Episode 7 of 15, Series 9.
]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113770495&archive=
'Our engineers had been feeding....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113768964&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113409487&archive= With the launch of the new Labour Party manifesto there seems to have been a considerable shift in political thinking with this election.

'We have never produced a manifesto so succinct', announced Cabinet Minister for 'Election Campaign Violence' and 'Aggravated Car Use' MP John Prescott, 'we have hit the nail on the head with our policy statement and this time we will not be held accountable for failure to live up to it later...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113335056&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113334956&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113334924&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113334813&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113334749&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113233525&archive=
'It's not as bad as it sounds....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113152345&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113088979&archive= Eventually after months of mumbo jumbo and marriage hype, the royal wedding is over with.

It seemed things just couldn’t get any better for the recently awarded ‘World’s Most Beautiful Couple’, when they got hitched on Saturday morning.

After the long, drawn out ceremony was finally over, the pair sped off in their suped up Limo driven by a drunken stranger, to a secret location supposedly preparing to jet off on their honeymoon.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113041049&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113040401&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113040268&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113040233&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113040188&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113039508&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113039483&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113039439&archive= Offers over £72.60.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113039400&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1113039354&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112974727&archive= The weekends big race will this year get opportunity to re-visit it's long lost past. The Grand National was once a huge underground bike race with people from all over the world riding through tunnels as fast as the eye could see.

'Since horses came along and replaced bikes, the racing has lost a lot of its charm', reported Frankie Detori (Italian horse rider and bike trainer), 'when there were bikes everywhere, the National was a place.....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112801326&archive=
]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112801148&archive=
]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112800955&archive=
]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112734923&archive= The fight during last weekends Newcastle v Aston Villa game, between team-mates Kieran Dyer and Lee Bowyer, attracted more television viewers to the Premiership coverage than ever before. The viewing figures for the weekend’s football were so high in fact, that other clubs are looking to include a ‘fight sequence’ into all their matches.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112730387&archive= A Government backed initiative revealed this week is set to set the legal system alight with a raft of new potentially controversial processes and procedures.

'Because we think the present judge and jury based system is terribly convoluted and complicated', revealed Secretary of Law Terry Whiteside, 'we are simply going to scrap it completely and replace it with a much more 'streamlined' way of getting to the bottom of crime.....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112621115&archive= The home office today revealed the shocking fact that 1 out of every 3 facts is in fact fiction.

‘Due to the alarming recent discovery that one third of facts are counterfeit, we urge the public to thoroughly check their facts for fiction. The trouble with fictional facts is that future facts will be based on previous facts which could turn out to be fiction, therefore sending the world spiralling into a fictional fact cascade and the future of the planets facts would become uncertain.'

'As the Earth is in jeopardy, we must insist everyone assume all knowledge is fiction until further notice. We will report back with the facts once we have them’

That was a public service announcement from the Department of Truth and Truth Fiction, so help me God!]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112480245&archive= An investigation into smoking has uncovered amazing properties that contradict modern thinking. Current science has shown smoking to be an unhealthy habit that has contributed to nearly all deaths

Despite this, extensive trials have discovered some of the amazing benefits of smoking include:- . . .]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112449628&archive= Manchester City have announced they intend to sell the City of Manchester Stadium and up and leave Manchester for good.

'We've had enough of the place', said head groundsman Philip Sparrow,'I don't blame the club or the chairman for wanting to go, it's what we all expected really.'

The club intends to re-settle on...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112274741&archive= Hollywood king George Clooney has shocked the christian world by offering his 'blessing' for anyone who's willing to pay.

'I'm sick of these God channels pumping the population for everything they own. I wanna piece of the action!', Clooney revealed in a frank interview with ABC news editor Jamie Devilman, 'You can bless, I can bless, we all can bless! If people want me to bless them, then so be it!']]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112215010&archive=
]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112195107&archive= Frank Lennon, carpet fitter and part time country and western wanna-be, is so annoyed at the recent success of his long time friend and business partner Brian McCartney, he is threatening to break up their successful building firm and go it alone.

Lennon has had difficulty recently getting his own musical career off the ground after Brian took 6 weeks out to record his first album last year. 'I can't bloomin' get time to come up with me country and western bits...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112102675&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112026734&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112009709&archive= ]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1112009508&archive=
]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1111692751&archive= John Leslie has been thrust into the lead role in a new Superman film, which will begin filming later this year.

"Superman: A new superman 1" - as the film is to be titled will be an all British production filmed by entirely on location in Southampton.

'I'm not entirely sure why they picked me...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1111611748&archive= Least Haunted Live– This week the team visit another average location where nothing out of the ordinary happens. Using top of the range scientific gadgets they appear to pick up high levels of inactivity. An all night vigil produces some great footage of an all night vigil.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1111439513&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1111412142&archive= Trillions of Plankton are dying needlessly every day, because of the careless approach fishermen are taking when catching the delicious mammal, the Dolphin.

The Oversensitive Fisherblokes Union, are mightily p**sed off at the new rules regulating the type, size and colour of nets used to catch the European delicacy, and have gone on strike. ‘We’re not being messed about by interfering know-it-all’s from Brussels. . .]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1111239523&archive= Some people have a real problem keeping their normal day-to-day lives just ticking over. Simple things like paying bills, ringing old friends, buying cake or baking bread can quickly become confusing and difficult to achieve.

The church thinks it has the answer for you, in a new campaign launched this week from Christian Head Quarters - Rome. The campaign entitled 'Be organised with Jesus' is the life work of the eminent Bishop-Lord CrissKross (who you might remember from the string of hits he had in the 1980's....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1111239012&archive= Bay City Rollers front man Les McKeown has upset the music world by pretending that he never actually was in the band that made him so famous.

In a recent interview, for an Irish television network, Keown spoke candidly about his life since the Rollers folded.

'I don't know why people think I was ever involved with the Bay City Rollers man. It's ridiculous. I'm just another unemployed dockworker from Hull'

Keown in an apparent denial of even the fact that he is Scottish went on to say...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1111149120&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1111143989&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1110922870&archive= This summer, in order to stay alive, we suggest you all stay away from the latest creature to come from those ghastly genetic experiments. A new breed of killer ladybird has been unleashed upon the British public, intending to . . . . .]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1110921583&archive= A new book by celebrated mega author, Charlie Drake, has caused some s*it I can tell you. Basically, Drakes book breaks one of the oldest taboos in history. Top church blokes are fuming. When you find out what it is, you’ll not believe it. The word ‘Controversy’ doesn’t even begin to describe how 'full on' this book is.
The book say’s . . .
]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1110882580&archive= Arsenal vol-au-vent Arsen Wenger has sent shivers through the stock exchange by launching a bid to buy Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich.

'I am simply not for sale', pleaded Abramovich, 'I don't know who he thinks he is the French weirdo.....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1110812053&archive= the jobs you want!

Job Title - Ewok Trainer : Little furry people administrator....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1110730009&archive=
The unamed lab technician has been engaged in highly sensitive 'pickle DNA testing', apparently a highly secretive Government funded project.

The project focussed on testing the pickle ingredient...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1110538161&archive= Brian Lara, celebrity cricketer and money making machine is set to make sporting history by inventing and playing a new game of cricket with golf balls and tennis racquets.

'I love my cricket, but something's always been missing from it', said Lara,'I hit upon the idea of changing things around a bit whilst on holiday in Belgium last year.'

Lara has talked two county teams...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1110461746&archive= Ordinary people throughout the country have been stockpiling on stones and pebbles since the news broke this week that they would become the new currency of our fabulous country.

A spokesman for the Bank of England had this to say on the matter, ‘Can you believe the bloody nerve of the British public. Collecting stones like there is no tomorrow. If we were to implement the new system then nearly everybody would be millionaires, and we definitely can’t have that...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1110294764&archive= It’ll be Alright On The Night: - Highly paid celebrities, getting paid even more for all their mistakes.

Fergal Sharkey’s Britain: - Fergal Sharkey tells us how Britain would be if he was in charge. This Week, Fergal brings back hanging and legalizes heroin.

Bird Watching with Bill Oddie: - Bill Oddie makes his way to Brighton nudist beach to do a spot of bird watching. Know what I mean! Dirty bugger.

Absolutely Crapulous:- The show that guarantees a slight chuckle, once every 30 minutes.

The News: - The things that happened today, reported in a way that avoids looking too deeply into the subject matter.

Cooking for Celebs: - Yet more celebrities, treated to a gourmet meal prepared by other celebrities.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1110231912&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1110209791&archive= After years of speculation, debate and out right fabrication, the time may have come that the Beatles re-form.

In the past, squabbles between band members had stood in the way of their long awaited reformation. With 50% of the Beatles no longer around there doesn’t appear to be anything left to prevent the reunion. . .
]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109867679&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109797174&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109797000&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109793396&archive= Space listeners 'SETI' have unaveiled an earth shattering revalation, so significant that they have been sitting on it for the past 6 months, scared to tell.

'We need time to verify it's accuracy and it's translation', said Scientist Brian Oodle, 'I'm not going to try and explain what we got, I'll just give you it word for word.'

On 13th September 2004 Bradford listening post intercepted the following transmission.....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109777542&archive= ]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109690301&archive= Franz Ferdinand have won this years Highland foot-tapping competition. Up against stiff competition from Jethro Tull, the Glaswegian musicicans tapped their way to winning in a nail biting final.

Ferdinand chose the 1984 Mel and Kim classic 'Respectable' to tap to whilst fellow finalists Tull decided on New Order's tricky 'Blue Monday'.

'Blue Monday is an incredibly difficult tapping record, but if you can pull it off you'll definitely woo the judges.', judge Patrick Duffy explained, 'Tull had everything to play for, but their bass player's foot lost it in the middle eight of the New Order classic...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109688195&archive=
Help is at hand, I have been lucky enough to see a secret report from the japanese giant SONY who are launching the first fully voice operated home entertainment system. Remotes will be a thing of the past as the TV, DVD, Video & Cable will all be voice operated from the comfort of your arm chair.

The system which will be launched early in the new year and will be available with regional dialects for ease of use at a cost of around 7 million yen, I know I have started saving already, can you believe that you will be able to survive without it.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109610200&archive= The World is round - A bloke ages ago discovered this. I can’t remember his name or how he did it, but trust me, it’s round. I know cause I saw it on TV one night.



The Speed of Light is . . . really fast – If you think your car is fast, just watch how fast light can go. Phew. Now that’s fast. How do I know? I saw it on TV.

The Pyramid’s at Giza – Years ago a team of blokes got together and built some big pyramids. Apparently they were built for standing on top of and looking toward the horizon. Don’t know why, but for more information check your TV guide.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109607770&archive= An unnamed source told a Maximum Lies journalist whilst . . .]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109423359&archive= Solar system outsider Mercury is next on NASA's hit-list for early colonization it has been announced today.

'It's a wonderful planet, a pretty place with seas, mountains and coloured gases', said a NASA spokesperson Frank Tenderville, 'it will take a while to get there but I reckon it'll be a great place to live.'

Preparations are well underway with NASA setting up a test habitat in.....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109335819&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109258619&archive=
'I love Mr Bon Jovi's faith appeal. He is an old school religious man, with lovely songs]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109250326&archive= A report from Scotland Yard has indicated that a sharp rise in levels of 'nob heads' is causing concern amongst police.

‘If you compare today’s nob head level with that of 5 years ago, you notice that they have actually trebled. Cops on the beat come across gangs of nob heads on every street corner. These nob heads are usually the young children of older nob head parents.’ . . .
]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109249775&archive= East Enders

In the square this week, Dirty Den comes back from the dead for a third time as he manages to break through . . .]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109186174&archive= In the House of Commons today, the newly formed 'purification committee' have been debating potential candidates to satisfy next years proposed 'Bad Word Act'. An initial list drawn up includes such highly sensitive words such as wart, arse, small, honest, nerd and shabba.

Because of the media attention Ken Livingstone attracted last week, after accidently calling a reporter....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109161575&archive= Have I got Bad News For You!
Comedy quiz. Members of the public put themselves up for ridicule whilst undergoing a full medical. Hosted by Angus Deaton.




World Championship Spitting
Who will win through to go into the Semi finals after spitting the farthest.


The Six Million-Dollar Dog
After a space accident, Steve Austin’s dog is reconstructed using state of the art bionic limbs. This week, Rover chases some cats and rips them to shreds with his bionic jaws & teeth.


The Royal Wedding
Chas gets hitched to Camilla in a 12 hr long service. It’ll probably be the most tedious thing ever witnessed. The world’s most attractive people, rubbing the nations noses into the Royal Families over extravagance.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109088501&archive= In a shock announcement ITV has unveiled plans to put Jeffrey Archer at the helm of it's Saturday night schedules by making him the new host of Blind Date.

Jeffrey, famous for committing crimes whilst...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1109072917&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1108988817&archive=
Good. Like it. Truthful. Medication. Help. aaaarrrrrgggghhhh.

Dead.
]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1108823960&archive=
Sorry about the name - I though it sounded good to put something down. You see no-one likes addressing letters to other people. So I've set the record straight.

Buck Rogers, Bristol]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1108823184&archive= ITV unveiled a closely guarded secret at last nights 'TV Quick' gala awards. The stunned audience watched in amazement as ITV executive Brian Malharem revealed the truth behind it's long standing soap opera 'Coronation Street'.

Malherem started by announcing, 'should I bring out the real Ken Barlow]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1108742756&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1108636329&archive=
It's time to breathe a sight of relief with this 'new Mood sensitive keyboard' (patent applied for) this device plugs into any normal PC or laptop and detects, from the weight used to press the keys and amount of sweat on your fingers, the likely level of stress you are suffering.

Armed with this information it calculates from in built tables, your current stress level and changes your personal setting to block offensive email, pop-up's and MSN messenger.

The keyboard scans for changes 100,000 times per second so you can be confident that from now on your PC will always work with you and understand how your feeling. Coming soon to most good computer outlets and highstreet shops !]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1108394995&archive= Richard Curtis's new book 'how many ways can you skin an egg' arrives in shops today. Curtis, in a recent interview proclaimed, 'This is political intrigue to rival Clancy. A hard hitting thriller that breaks with tradition entirely, it will have you quaking in your boots. It an immersive read, a masterpiece of modern literature'

When pressed for a brief outline of the story Curtis shouted...]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1108125020&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1108046887&archive=
What's so great about Britain? Nothing, that's what.....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107884655&archive= Spielberg and Cruise have almost finished the long awaited re-make of the classic novel by H.G.Wells, War of the Worlds. For those unfamiliar with the book, it is based around an American family living in the 21 century who are attacked by a swarm of cheeky aliens who plan to take over the Earth. True to the novel, the film involves the use of Earth's ultra high tech weaponry against the Martian....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107866697&archive= Fear not, all you chocolate loving, alcoholic, Belgium lovers.The recent disappearance of Belgium is to be explained in a live multi cast broadcast throughout the world by a well-known, prolific Evil Genius.

In a diabolical move by the Super Criminal. . . .]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107795998&archive=
Use technology sitting on the cutting edge of reality - an automated vacuum scooper so powerful it can (slightly) warp time.....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107789990&archive= Sony have unveiled this years product line up at the Taipan Electro-U-Show which includes the intriguing sounding, range of 'Sony Micro-Monkeys(TM)'.

The translation of the Japanese press release revealed the product was billed as 'The world's answer to micro-monkeying.......]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107709281&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107521649&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107443661&archive= ‘Our goal is to free the world from . . .]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107361222&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107359121&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107246265&archive=
NEWS FLASH
A new version of this exciting DIY tool will also include a calorie counter to measure the pounds dropping off.]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1107186355&archive= http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1106951238&archive= The well respected Ordanance Survey Group (OSG) has today delivered a shock announcement. Whilst conducting it's latest geographical study of Western Europe they encountered something that hasn't been seen in millenia. A country had totally disappeared.

OSG officials reached the northern edge of France, expecting to take a short break - possibly taking in a strong coffee and a syrup waffle - but were greeted with something.....]]> http://www.maximumlies.co.uk/index2.php?subaction=showfull&id=1106849428&archive=