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Mark's Daze
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Written by Mark D
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A startling new discovery has secretly been leaked to Maximumlies by a lab technician working at Branston Chemicals PLC. The unamed lab technician has been engaged in highly sensitive 'pickle DNA testing', apparently a highly secretive Government funded project.
The project focussed on testing the pickle ingredient 'Ammonium Dichromate (NH4) Cr2O7+ H2O +2CrO2'. During these tests a strain of chromosome was found so similar to our own it was indistinguishable from human DNA.
In an interview, the technician descibed the projects progress, 'Initially we thought we'd made a huge breakthrough - an insight into how DNA can repeat across diverse matter. But soon our jubilation was replaced by a scene of carnage, utter devastation. After a colleague put the chromosone through our in-house time machine and ... it was terrible, just awful.'
It transpires that under the influence of 'time', precisely February 8th 2017, this chromosone self conbusts. The technician who survived the tests described above continues, 'all that was left of our friends was their shoes, oh and some ash.'
'I'm going public with this because I truly believe on February 8th 2017 this chromosone, found in all human life on earth, will cause devastation right across the planet. Just a few billion shoes left across a desolate planet. The clock is ticking'
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Mark's Daze
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Written by Mark D
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 Space listeners 'SETI' have unaveiled an earth shattering revalation, so significant that they have been sitting on it for the past 36 months, scared to tell.
'We need time to verify it's accuracy and it's translation', said Scientist Brian Oodle, 'I'm not going to try and explain what we got, I'll just give you it word for word.'
On 13th September 2004 Bradford listening post intercepted the following transmission, both on 261 medium wave and 103 FM.
'The time for the truth is upon you human, your species over the last 3 billion years of evolution has been monitored by sentient beings. And to put it mildly your progress is disappointing.'
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Mark's Daze
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Written by Mark D
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 In the House of Commons today, the newly formed 'purification committee' have been debating potential candidates to satisfy next years proposed 'Bad Word Act'. An initial list drawn up includes such highly sensitive words such as wart, arse, small, honest, nerd and shabba.
Because of the media attention Ken Livingstone attracted last week, after accidently calling a reporter 'honest', the new Act has been given the green light for this years Parliamentry session.
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Mark's Daze
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Written by Mark D
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 Prominent scottish medium William Bush has announced, 'Camilla Parker-Bowles will come to a sticky end in a horse box 12 months from now....this solstice I had a dream that this was so.'
This has caused considerable concern within the Royal family primarily because Camilla has just ordered a brand new horse box and, strangley, had been told she would have to wait 11 months for delivery.
London Metropolitan Police however are not taking the matter seriously. 'Mr Bush is well known to the police. He tried to tell us about 9/11 on 9/10 but it was just a coincidence. He's a crackpot.'
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Mark's Daze
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Written by Mark D
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What's so great about Britain? Nothing, that's what.
Rubbish weather (or 'atmospheric conditions' prevailing that bare no resamblance to heat, cold, sunshine, or even seasons for that matter). Every day is dull, damp, cloudy and a bag of sh*te.
The general public just moan about everything. You name it, they moan about it. People haven't got a positive bone in their collective bodies.
And what about cars? Is the new car language the horn? Well I've got a f*cking horn too so f*ck off out of my way! Everyone wants a fight I'm sure, well they can have one, I'm ready. Bring it on.
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Mark's Daze
