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Science
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Written by Nick C
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 Trillions of Plankton are dying needlessly every day, because of the careless approach fishermen are taking when catching the delicious mammal, the Dolphin.
The Oversensitive Fisherblokes Union, are mightily p**sed off at the new rules regulating the type, size and colour of nets used to catch the European delicacy, and have gone on strike. ‘We’re not being messed about by interfering know-it-all’s from Brussels. What they know about fishing isn’t worth knowing. When we’ve buggered about on our strike for a bit, we’ll be going back to work and carrying on as if nothing has happened.’
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Science
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Written by Pete G
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 Some people have a real problem keeping their normal day-to-day lives just ticking over. Simple things like paying bills, ringing old friends, buying cake or baking bread can quickly become confusing and difficult to achieve.
The church thinks it has the answer for you, in a new campaign launched this week from Christian Head Quarters - Rome. The campaign entitled 'Be organised with Jesus' is the life work of the eminent Bishop-Lord CrissKross (who you might remember from the string of hits he had in the 1980's - 'jump for Jesus', 'jump higher for Jesus', 'if you're tired sit down for Jesus now' and 'if you think that's high enough you've not seen Jesus jump').
CrissKross's team of scientists have developed a compact PC based organiser that is powerful, good-looking and very holy. It boasts a range of features that will have technology writers dribbling;
- runs of mains electricity or wind (whichever is the strongest)
- can store up to 10,000 hymns or equivalent manuscript
- can help you pay bills (it decides who to pay and when without any configuring)
- rings old friends and chats without any configuring
- will keep you in touch with salvation through it's Universal Vatican Bus (UVB) wireless network connection (download the latest revelation or grab an updated bible episode)
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Science
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Written by Nick C
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 Next summer, in order to stay alive, we suggest you all stay away from the latest creature alleged to have resulted from those ghastly genetic experiments.
Apparently a new breed of killer ladybird has been unleashed upon the British public, intending to destroy everything and if necessary, everyone in it’s path.
Britain’s regular ladybirds are harmless creatures, satisfied with eating old toilet paper and cheese and onion crisps.
But, these new fangled ladybirds are not so easily pleased. Almost 10’ft in length and 8’ft tall, these nasty sods have a taste for endangered species such as woolly mammoth’s, pterodactyls, cuddly baby kittens and puppies.
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Science
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Written by Pete G
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 Solar system outsider Mercury is next on NASA's hit-list for early colonization it has been announced today.
'It's a wonderful planet, a pretty place with seas, mountains and coloured gases', said a NASA spokesperson Frank Tenderville, 'it will take a while to get there but I reckon it'll be a great place to live.'
Preparations are well underway with NASA setting up a test habitat in Edinburgh. 'Edinburgh has the closest conditions on Earth to Mercury', explained Tenderville, 'without that kind of test environment we'd have to build something under the sea to create the exact same conditions.'
Earmarked for the initial mission are three NASA Astronauts, two Russian Cosmonauts, one Chinese Spacenaut and a few minor celebrities.
The identity of the final three celebrities will be decided by the general public in a three year epic televised 'I'm a celebrity get me to Mercury' which will start filming at the Edinburgh facility early next month.
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Science
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Written by Nick C
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 In an attempt to set the country off in a wild panic scientists, in association with top politicians, have announced their latest attempt at scaremongering. In order to keep the people malleable, the Government have bombarded the public in recent months with stories of war, starvation and terrorism.
The most recent fear inducing news item is the poisoning of the tap water throughout Britain. Anybody who may have drank any tap water either in a brew or straight from the tap, should make themself an appointment at the Doctor’s or check into your local A&E department to have your stomach pumped.
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Science
