Temperature control analyst Ainsley Harriot, has provided shocking evidence of environment changes that, if proved true, will end Russell Grant's 'era extrodinaire'.

Grant, whilst in hiding in Holby City, announced '....no temperate climate alterations will take place during my reign.' He went on to say that 'my followers have stuck with the idea that I am the one and I'm happy with that'.

Former toy-boy and Irish full back Eamon Holmes whispered, 'Grant. my life, my body, my soul, my heart, my fork, my spoon, my car, my house, my job, my all expenses paid annual trip to Jersey, kareoke Wednesday - Brook Tavern), my home and my money.' He is reported to have 'followed' Grant for three years and is 'against' harriot's outburst and is building a 'defence network' to control and prevent any 'Harriot based missile attack.'

What is he thinking?

Grant's followers are ammassing in South London - they are rumoured to have microwave capability. Grant loyalist and vice-captain (of south London's 'Grant-Boys') Geoffrey Palmer-Bowles-Grant growled 'this time we mean it, we do. We ain't gonna be pushed and pulled by these lovers of all Harriot tendicies again.'

If Grant has Microwave, Harriot surely has Grant's uber-weapon-defence-network 'Zodiac' on standby. 'Zodiac' developed in the 1930's by Rolf Harris and Mark Hughes defends against microwave (both 'full power' and 'defrost') attacks.

The world waits in anticipation of a coffee or 'just the bill please' end to what surely has been a terrific evening.